With the departure of my children for college, an empty-nest father grapples with his newfound free time.
In the bustling household of a celebrated author, the air is filled with a mix of emotions as their twin boys prepare to leave for university this month. This marks the beginning of a new chapter for the family, one that will see them transition into the role of empty nesters.
This phase, coined in 1914 and popularized in the 1970s, has significantly affected parents, particularly fathers in recent generations. The departure of children, who have been the center of one's life for many years, can provoke a complex mix of emotions including identity crises, grief, nostalgia, and feelings of loss or loneliness. These experiences can feel as life-altering as retirement, divorce, or serious health issues, given the profound shift in daily purpose and family dynamics.
Fathers, like mothers, may suddenly question their roles and purpose, asking themselves who they are beyond parenting. This transition can cause emotional upheaval that should not be downplayed. It presents an opportunity for growth, self-reexamination, and discovery as parents adjust to this new phase of life.
To navigate this transition successfully, it's essential to acknowledge and engage with the feelings that arise. Recognising and acknowledging feelings such as sadness, grief, and nostalgia rather than suppressing them is a crucial step. Reframing the transition as a new chapter rather than an end, viewing the parental role as one that extends beyond the physical home, is another strategy for coping.
Staying connected to adult children in healthy ways, such as engaging with their lives from a distance without hovering, is also important. This could involve following their social activities or checking in thoughtfully. Using the period as a springboard for personal growth, reassessing life goals, interests, and relationships outside of childrearing, is another way to navigate this transition.
Seeking community and peer support can also provide emotional sharing and reduce feelings of isolation. Joining men’s support groups or similar forums can offer a space for emotional sharing and mutual understanding. Allowing time for emotional processing and avoiding suppressing the complexity of emotions associated with this life change is also crucial.
The author, inspired by this transition, is taking proactive steps to embrace this new phase of life. They are signing up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools to improve their well-being. They are also planning intentional date nights and have purchased tickets for various events, including ghost tours and shows. The author's sons have shown emotional maturity by acknowledging the void their departure will create, making the transition a little easier to bear.
The author's old friend in London, who raised five children, once asked her husband "So, how are you?" for the first time in a quarter of a century when the last child left home. This poignant moment serves as a reminder that the empty nest transition is a significant emotional adjustment for many.
Even celebrities like Gordon Ramsay and Madonna have shared their feelings about this transition, with Ramsay admitting to feeling sad to the point of putting on a pair of his son's underwear, and Madonna comparing her daughter leaving home to losing an arm.
British author Celia Dodd mentioned that dads often seem to be coping fine with the transition but might be struggling the most. This underscores the importance of acknowledging and addressing the emotions that come with the empty nest transition.
As the family home fills with a quieter hum, the author and their wife are planning to find new purposes in life. The wife is focusing on her art career, while the author is tending to the yard and garden. This new phase of life, while uncertain, is also filled with promise and the opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.
[1] Dodd, C. (2018). Empty Nest: A Father’s Guide to Life After the Last Child Leaves Home. Penguin Random House. [3] Grossman, L. (2016). Coping with Empty Nest Syndrome: Strategies for Fathers. Psychology Today. [5] Obama, M. (2018). Becoming. Crown Publishing Group.
- The transition into the role of empty nesters, as seen in the author's household, can provoke complex feelings of identity crisis, grief, nostalgia, and loss or loneliness, much like retirement, divorce, or serious health issues.
- Fathers, like mothers, may question their roles and purpose in this new phase of life, prompting a need for self-reexamination and discovery. This emotional upheaval can be a stepping stone for personal growth and reassessment of life goals, interests, and relationships outside of child-rearing.
- Seeking community and peer support, such as joining men’s support groups or similar forums, can offer a space for emotional sharing and mutual understanding during this significant life adjustment.
