Unraveling the Core: Mastering Emotional Sensitivity in Dialogue
"Let me lay it straight to you. I'm not big on the sugarcoating or superficial talk."
My client, Jay, a no-nonsense executive with a direct communication style, often found himself at odds with the suggestion to offer words of affirmation or discuss feelings. Over the years, I've encountered numerous clients with similar sentiments. They frequently perceived these suggestions as a call for meaningless platitudes instead of straightforwardness. They valued efficiency and regarded anything non-task related as a waste of time.
This straightforward approach can work well as long as participants share the same task focus, roles are clear, roles are well-defined, there's a shared sense of priorities, mutual trust, and stable conditions. However, where directness falls short is when there are disagreements, unclear roles, uncertainty, mistrust, or varied social and emotional needs. Enter the realm of "difficult conversations," where emotions may add fuel to the fire, making the situation delicate and charged. Under these circumstances, the "fluffy stuff" is not just a pleasant luxury, but a necessary tool to tame the emotions and steer the conversation constructively.
All conversations have two channels: content and emotion. Usually, the content (information, ideas, objectives, tasks, roles, and responsibilities) is where most communication takes place. Emotion, on the other hand, lurks beneath, often unspoken, varying in intensity, and it can wield considerable power over the outcome of a conversation or negotiation. Neglecting emotion can actually hinder communication. Skilled and direct communicators can navigate both channels aptly.
Consider the example of Jay and Raj, two executive-level colleagues in conflict over a board presentation slide. After exhausting themselves in debates over content and logic, Jay shifted gears and tapped into the emotional channel. He acknowledged their shared objectives, expressed his openness to Raj's input, and asked to understand his concerns. This shift in approach helped defuse the tension, pave the path to resolution, and even left both parties feeling positively about the interaction.
Another example is Leticia, a business student who offended her classmate, Sue, with a joke. Her initial attempt to address the issue solely from a content perspective ignored Sue's emotional response, leaving the wound largely unhealed. Through coaching, however, Leticia learned to address Sue's feelings first, admit her misstep, and show her empathy. This approach helped lessen Sue's hurt and prepare her for constructive dialogue, leading to a productive resolution.
Communication failures can lead to significant inefficiencies. So, when conversational impasses persist because you're only engaging with the surface content, delve into the emotional core. Listen to your emotions and those of your counterparts, and keep in mind that every successful negotiation or communication is grounded in both content and emotion.
In situations where directness clashes with emotional needs, as seen in Jay's case, emotional intelligence becomes crucial. By recognizing and addressing the emotions underlying the issue, Jay was able to resolve his conflict with Raj constructively.
Effective communicators, like the transformed Leticia, understand that addressing emotions first can prevent communication breakdowns. Her acknowledgment of Sue's feelings and show of empathy enabled a more productive conversation, ultimately leading to resolution.
Direct communication, while valuable, should not overlook the power of emotions in difficult conversations. By balancing the content and emotional components of communication, negotiators can foster understanding, resolution, and positive outcomes.
