Relationship Anxious Attachment: Characteristics and Activation Factors (Signs & Causes)

Feeling like you're chasing after your partner for love and approval? Welcome to the world of anxious attachment in relationships. In today's straightforward talk, we'll discuss what this attachment style is, where it comes from, what it looks like, and most importantly, how to break the cycle.

Ever asked yourself, "What's my attachment style?" Give our quick quiz a shot to find out!

What exactly is anxious attachment?

Anxious attachment is one of the 4 relationship attachment styles, tracing its roots back to childhood and following adults throughout their lives. It's all laid out in the attachment theory(1), a concept that explains how behaviors in adult romantic relationships are shaped by childhood interactions with primary caregivers(2).

The attachment theory categorizes styles as:

Anxious: Individuals dealing with feelings of unworthiness and insecurity(3)
Avoidant: People avoiding long-term commitment due to fear of intimacy(4)
Disorganized: Individuals with unpredictable behaviors, characterized by insecurity(5)
Secure: People with a positive self-image, open to romantic relationships(6)

Only the first three attachment styles (Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized) are classified as insecure styles, while the fourth, Secure, is considered the ideal.

Now, let's zoom in on anxious attachment and its causes.

So, where does anxious attachment come from?

It's widely agreed that our experiences, particularly those in our childhood, have a significant impact on our attachment style(7). Generally, anxious attachment develops as a result of interactions with an anxious or preoccupied parent(8).

This parent may have experienced insecurity themselves as a child and passed it down from generation to generation. For instance, a parent may smother their child in an attempt to fill an emotional void, leading the child to grow up questioning their ability to depend on others.

However, it's also possible for a child to have a centrally demanding temperament, creating 'emotional poverty' in the parent(9). The child then seeks a new parent figure in their adult romantic partners, subconsciously attempting to heal their inner child.

Next up: the telltale signs of anxious attachment.

Anxious attachment traits to watch for:

Experience feelings of jealousy due to insecurity
Used to a lack of love in relationships
Feel like you give too much and are always people-pleasing
Overly helpful in relationships to make your partner 'need you'
Take on the majority of the responsibility, guilt, and blame in a relationship
Struggle with low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness

As you might have guessed, these insecure feelings of unworthiness lead anxious individuals to doubt their own worth and attract partners that further proof their deepest fears – that they are unlovable(10).

Now, let's see how anxious attachment plays out in relationships.

How does anxious attachment affect relationships?

Anxious attachment impacts relationships significantly, with people displaying different behaviors based on their attachment styles(7). So, how does anxious attachment affect relationships? Let's explore some examples:

Anxious attachment in relationships:

In intimate relationships, anxious individuals often try to make themselves indispensable to their partners. They believe, "If they need me, they won't leave me." By striving to feel needed(3), these individuals run into issues when questioning if their partner truly loves them for who they are(3).

Deep down, anxious individuals struggle to show their authentic feelings due to fear of showing vulnerability(3). Consequently, they create friction by acting defensively or in provocative ways.

Do you find yourself attracted to partners that are emotionally unavailable? You're not alone – anxious individuals tend to find themselves in relationships where their deepest fear is validated(11). To avoid this, strategies for dating individuals with anxious attachment styles are essential.

How do you date someone with an anxious attachment style?

If you find yourself asking, "How can I date someone with anxious attachment?", here's some helpful advice(11):

Avoid triggering phrases like, "You're overreacting." Instead, reassure them with statements like, "We'll figure it out together."
Offer empathetic responses and validate their feelings: "It's alright, I'm here for you."
Embrace physical affection and layer positive touch as a way to reaffirm your connection.

By understanding and responding to anxious attachment trigger phrases, you can build a healthier relationship with someone who struggles with insecurity(12).

Now that you're aware of anxious attachment traits and their impact on relationships, let's talk about overcoming anxious attachment.

Taming the anxious attachment beast:

To reason with your inner child and overcome anxious attachment, follow these steps:

Healing your wounded inner child:

To tame your inner child, look inward and embark on the journey of reparenting your suppressed inner child on a spiritual level(13). Focus on establishing trust, honoring your needs, and removing the fog of external validation(14).

Self-soothing:

Coping with jealousy through self-soothing can help you overcome anxious attachment(14). Practice techniques such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or visualization to regulate your emotions.

By implementing these strategies, you can escape the anxious attachment cycle and grow into a more secure, self-aware, and confident individual(14). So, go forth and begin your transformation!

Sources:

Main, Mary AS.; Hesse, Erik H. (February 2000). "The Security Dimension of Individual Differences in Attachment." In Cindy Hazan. Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications. American Psychological Association. pp. 155-175.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss; Vol. 1: Attachment.
Brennan, K.A.; Shaver, P.R. (April 1998). "The Self-Expansion Model of Interpersonal Relations." American Psychologist. 53 (4): 309-317.
Cohen, A.R.; Rothschild, M. (2008). "Avoidant fatigue as a precursor of relationship satisfaction: Relationship satisfaction can grow with time for dismissing partners because caring partners take the lead." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 94 (1): 165-177.
Cassidy, J. (1996). "The Role of Attachment Theory in Understanding the Development of Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment." Child Development. 67 (5): 1127-1149.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process: Implications for the Study of Adult Love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 52: 511–518.
Feeney, C. (2001). "A Meta-Analysis of Investigation of Couples' Coping: Behavioral Correlates of Relationship Satisfaction." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 80 (2): 228-244.
Mikulincer, M.; Shaver, P.R. (1997). "Love, Security, Support, and Attachment: Interpersonal and Individual Differences in Interpersonal Needs, Expectations, and Experiences." In SF Cheung, MC Rhace; RK Aron, A Aron (eds.). Close Relationships in Cultural Context. Cambridge University Press. pp. 74-100.
Bowlby, J. (1973). "Separation: Anxiety and Anger." In M. Ainsworth; S. Blehar; E. Waters, E. Wall (Eds.). Infant and Maternal Behavior. 2: Attachments to People. University of Pennsylvania Press. pp. 435-456.
Simpson, J.A.; Rhodes, J.T.; Nelligan, J.L. (1992). "attachment style and jealousy: feelings of jealousy as a predictor of individual differences in adult attachment status." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 62 (3): 349-358.
Downey, G.; Feldman, B. (1996). "The Dynamics of Longing and Rivalry in Close Relationships: The role of Partners' Interest in Others and Their Jealousy." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 70 (2): 347-359.
Tsai, T.Y. (2008). "When jealousy backsfire: The moderating role of partner commitment." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 95 (2): 265-276.
Harvey, A.G. (2015). "The development of adult attachment: attachment organization, defense, and repair." In Daniel J. Lapsley, & Monica K. McBride (Eds.). Childhood Development, seventh edition: An APPEN diagnosis-based approach. Elsevier Academic Press.
Sullivan, H.S. (1953). The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry.
Anxious attachment is one of four attachment styles in relationships, rooted in childhood interactions and tracing its roots back to insecure parents.
Anxious attachment develops as a result of interactions with an anxious or preoccupied caregiver, amplifying feelings of unworthiness and insecurity.
Anxious individuals fear abandonment and struggle to trust, constantly questioning their partner's love and validation.
These insecure feelings lead anxious individuals to doubt their worth, often attracting partners that confirm their deepest fears of being unlovable.
In attempts to secure love and connection, anxious individuals may show hyperactivity, clinginess, and excessive jealousy in relationships.
Overcoming anxious attachment requires self-awareness, emotional growth, and reparenting your suppressed inner child on a spiritual level.
Strategies for coping with anxious attachment include self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or visualization to regulate emotions.
Pursuing personal growth and self-development through education and lifestyle choices is crucial for building secure, healthy relationships.
Establishing trust, setting boundaries, and fostering communication can help individuals with anxious attachment effectively manage and strengthen relationships.
Art and creative expression can provide an outlet for healing, connection, and attachment, encouraging emotional exploration and inner growth.